So I feel the need to blog.

Lately I have been majorly stressed out about everything that is going on in my life lately. I haven't wrote anything about myself on here, so you have no clue what I'm talking about. Okay, I'm 20 years old, I have two jobs, and I am a full time commuting college student.

I feel like all of my high school friends have gotten more out of college than I have so far. I  took off my first semester of school to work a full time job in a factory, so I would have enough money saved for college the next semester. I decided to go to a school out of state, where I used to live when I was younger, to mainly be with my best friend. At that school I was an hour away from the rest of my friends, and lived on campus at the university in a dorm. My best friend turned out to be a dramatic bitch and everything always had to go her way, so half way through the semester I just wanted to go home. When things started to get better, I hung out with a crowd of people that I went to highschool with that I never talked to. Drinking, and smoking pot is how I spent the majority of my time.. I tried to get my work done in on time and it barely ever happened. The town was so small and full of college students, that nobody was hiring, so I was jobless the whole time I was there. I came home for this semester because it was costing me too much money to go there, and my mom wanted me to come home.. So I did. This semester I have two part time jobs, and three online classes and one on campus. I only have to go to class once a week on campus. How do you make friends with people in a night class that are atleast double your age? It's tough, let me tell you. I give them credit for going and all, but it completely took out every chance of me making friends that I could go out and party with. I made one friend on facebook from my school, that's it.  All of my friends went away for college, and live on campus. They don't come home on the weekends, and barely ever come home unless it's for the vacations. There are some of my friends who I haven't seen since highschool because of college drifting us apart. I didn't think it would be that hard to make plans with someone and actually follow through with them. I have some other friends that are around, but I just feel like I'm not putting myself up to my fullest social potential. Maybe working two jobs and school really could put a dent in my social life, that I didn't think about when I went for the interview for the second job.  I really wish my friends would just come home, or that I could make more friends around here that I wouldn't have to worry about when the others come home.

Boyfriend? Oh no, not me. My last relationship ended two weeks before Halloween, when he broke up with me. We didn't have a healthy relationship, at all. It started when I liked his best friend first and I didnt think I could be with him because I liked him. Dating best friends isn't ever cool, so I'm not going to try that one out. He drinks a lot, and whenever we would hang out his plans would be to "get wasted".. all the time. Really, What kind of life is that? Let's just be drunk 24/7!! I mean once and a while it's alright, but all the time? Really? Doesn't your liver hate you by now?--- After that relationship of only two months, I've been on a search of true, healthy happiness. I want to find someone who will want to just hang out with me. Someone who won't mind if I look like shit sometimes-- Someone who will love me for who I truly am. Someone who will know that I'll be late for nearly everything, and won't get mad when I text them saying to add on an extra five or ten minutes to our meeting time.  Someone who will tell me how it is, but without being an asshole about it, I'm not saying sugar coat it, but just don't word is worse than it really is. Loyalty. I don't need someone who will buy me flowers all the time and kiss my ass, but once and a while is amazing. Sweet gestures are awesome, because I'm a very sweet romantic person. Somebody who if I want to just randomly go somewhere, they'll come along for the ride. I guess I just want companionship, and love and happiness. I want the lets fall asleep together in eachothers arms and wake up still touching in some way nights. I want the security of having someone there. Maybe all this is asking too much. It will all come eventually. Just be patient.

Lately I have had the best connection ever with music. Just lyrics are my life. And how the music can hit you, in the way words can't... just emotion. It's amazing. I don't know what I would do without music. It completes my life and makes it more peaceful when I'm in an iffy mood.

This blog didn't go anywhere close to where I wanted it to go, but I'm still getting in the swing of this Xanga business. I doubt anyone will read it-- but it felt really good to express my feelings written down.

my father missed my graduation because he got put in jail.

i'm still pretty upset with him about it, but i guess you get over it with in time.
   

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